Thursday, January 5, 2012

People cry not because they're weak

I know that one day I will go to  the doctor for a regular check up and be told that I have ulcers and when that happens I know exactly what I'm going to blame them on- school. This year has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I feel like I've had to grow up more in this one year than I have my entire life which is really sad. I've never HAD to grow up in my life. It's always been just go with the flow and what happens happens. Now one decision affects another and all of a sudden I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for school- not sure if I'm even going to be able to go to school. Before I applied I always told myself I didn't want to go into debt to pay for school but now I find myself in that exact situation. Really school is a thorn in my side. So many Americans wonder why more people don't get an education and better themselves. It's not that they don't want to, it's that they're not able to. I mean it's not like someone just wakes up one day and decides they want to fail at life. Many people wonder when exactly it was that they gave up on their childhood dreams; I believe it's when life set in and slapped them in the face. For most people I know this happens sometime between highschool sophomore year and college sophomore year. It's that time of figuring out what we really need to do to succeed and realizing it will cost to much or the journey will be too hard. I mean look at doctors, some of the most successful people I know. They are in debt up until they're 50, right at that turning point in their life when they can't really enjoy their life's labors anymore. It's all just one big hamster wheel that very few people know how to handle.
For a while there I had hope I'd be able to handle it, but now I'm not so sure. Everything lately has been such a clustersmuck. I've gone from depressed to happy to worried to stressed out of my mind. It's all been such a roller coaster of emotions and I don't handle that well. I'm used to just being relaxed and going through my normal routine without a care- now though it's all different. Honestly without the support of my family I don't think I could make it through all of this. My dad called me today, he called me his baby girl. I can't remember a single time he's ever called me that and I don't know why but honestly it made me ball like a little kid. It struck a cord with me. All this time I'd been thinking I was grown and one simple phrase made me realize that I'm not. I read something earlier this week too that maybe struck it even farther home, "People cry not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long."
Yeah, I'm definitely going to have ulcers some day.

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