Thursday, January 5, 2012

People cry not because they're weak

I know that one day I will go to  the doctor for a regular check up and be told that I have ulcers and when that happens I know exactly what I'm going to blame them on- school. This year has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I feel like I've had to grow up more in this one year than I have my entire life which is really sad. I've never HAD to grow up in my life. It's always been just go with the flow and what happens happens. Now one decision affects another and all of a sudden I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for school- not sure if I'm even going to be able to go to school. Before I applied I always told myself I didn't want to go into debt to pay for school but now I find myself in that exact situation. Really school is a thorn in my side. So many Americans wonder why more people don't get an education and better themselves. It's not that they don't want to, it's that they're not able to. I mean it's not like someone just wakes up one day and decides they want to fail at life. Many people wonder when exactly it was that they gave up on their childhood dreams; I believe it's when life set in and slapped them in the face. For most people I know this happens sometime between highschool sophomore year and college sophomore year. It's that time of figuring out what we really need to do to succeed and realizing it will cost to much or the journey will be too hard. I mean look at doctors, some of the most successful people I know. They are in debt up until they're 50, right at that turning point in their life when they can't really enjoy their life's labors anymore. It's all just one big hamster wheel that very few people know how to handle.
For a while there I had hope I'd be able to handle it, but now I'm not so sure. Everything lately has been such a clustersmuck. I've gone from depressed to happy to worried to stressed out of my mind. It's all been such a roller coaster of emotions and I don't handle that well. I'm used to just being relaxed and going through my normal routine without a care- now though it's all different. Honestly without the support of my family I don't think I could make it through all of this. My dad called me today, he called me his baby girl. I can't remember a single time he's ever called me that and I don't know why but honestly it made me ball like a little kid. It struck a cord with me. All this time I'd been thinking I was grown and one simple phrase made me realize that I'm not. I read something earlier this week too that maybe struck it even farther home, "People cry not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long."
Yeah, I'm definitely going to have ulcers some day.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


You ever just have one of those days where you feel invisible? Well for me it's just been one of those months. I've struggled with who I am and what I believe in, who I stand for. About three weeks ago I did something that a part of me really wishes I hadn't done, but at the same time I knew was the right thing to do. I feel like I've lost one of my best friends but I'm not sure. It sounds stupid because the person won't even talk to me, but because of that I still hold onto that vain hope that things could return to normal. Deep down I know it's not true, not possible, but I still hope and wish. It's because of this person, or even these people that I feel invisible. I can stand in the same room and talk to the same people and carry on the same as them, but unless I ask them a direct question then they won't acknowledge that I'm there. Hell, that doesn't even work half the time as I found out today. And you know I have to sit and wonder to myself why I would want to have friends like these? And then I think back on the times when they didn't act like this. When they were some of the kindest, goofiest, and sweetest people I knew. The times that I cherished with them weren't when they were talking about people or yelling or cursing or acting a fool. It was the rides we took together, the conversations that meant something, the little things they did that made me want to better myself... But now all that is gone and I'm invisible.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Trail Ridge Road

So went on an adventure yesterday to Trail Ridge Road and got some pretty amazing pictures so I'm going to post a couple of them while I've highjacked my roommate's computer.

I was so excited that he posed for me! (above)

Can you see the cross in the clouds?

Dead Comp

So my computer died, it got dropped... so yeah I'm still doing a picture each day but I may not post them each day cause of access issues.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011